Parenting doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
If you want a quick reference guide for all the tough topics to do with relationships and the digital world, then make sure you checkout our Parents Membership Site.
The Parents Membership Site has short videos, templates and guides and expanded deep dive video content that helps you form respectful young people that understand their dignity and worth.
It was announced recently that consent education is to be mandated nationally in Australia. At Real Talk we are relieved over this result and eagerly anticipate the rollout in the Australian Curriculum in 2023. Whilst Australia lags behind some countries on the mandating of this topic, this move is a positive step that will benefit many lives and relationships.
Congratulations to Chanel Contos who’s petition #teachusconsent helped start a wave of necessary attention on the shortcomings of current sexuality education.
As one of the few organisations teaching explicitly on consent we can attest to the massive need to teach even the basics in this area. Below we recap a blog we released last year commentating are some crucial and often missing elements of this topic.
Ask young people what they understand “consent” to mean? Many young people really don’t understand the basics, so it’s important to start here. In short, consent is an agreement. It’s a “YES,” freely given.
Education on consent should start early, ideally in primary school or earlier, long before a discussion of sexual consent begins. It starts with teaching protective behaviours and body awareness. In simple terms, “It’s MY body, I can say NO.” It involves teaching children that they should speak up when they feel uncomfortable and that it’s okay to say “no.”
Even with teenagers, keep it simple: An absence of a yes means that someone has not consented. Sexual activity without consent, or if someone is unable to consent, is harmful and against the law.
There are some popular videos that make consent simple by comparing it to the drinking tea or riding a bike. These videos simplify the idea of consent, which is good, but we need to be careful not to inadvertently give young people the wrong message.
Consent is super important, but it’s not the only consideration for healthy relationships. To teach it as a stand-alone principle, or to suggest that it is “everything” or “simple”, can sometimes inadvertently steer education processes to poor decision making principles.
Put simply, if John wants to perform a sexual act on Sally, and Sally consents, this doesn’t necessarily mean this is a good idea for John or Sally. If John is in a relationship with Jenny, then getting together with Sally is probably going to cause a lot of hurt. If John is just using Sally, but he doesn’t really care about her, then that isn’t healthy either. Even when consent is present, an act can still be harmful and lacking in the dignity that both the sexual act and the people involve deserve.
Christians and many other traditions believe people have an extreme dignity. Because human beings have dignity, we deserve love. Because people deserve love, we should show respect. Because we need to show people respect, consent is super important. We show respect by prioritising consent.
When consent is taught it needs to be taught as a way to show respect – for self and for others. When consent is not understood in light of the principles of love, respect and dignity, something important is missing.
If we want to teach about sexual consent, it’s essential that we are also educating young people about the dangers of pornography. Almost every young person is exposed to pornography and usually long before they become sexually active.
Pornographic material almost always misrepresents the concept of consent or lacks it entirely. In porn, sex is separated from intimacy, people are treated like objects, and unhealthy gender imbalances are reinforced. It is by far the most corrosive curriculum for sexual relationships, but the research tells us that it has become the dominant educator on sexual matters. Pornography is being consumed weekly by most Australian young people.
As a country, we have recognised recently that we need to start the conversation and improve education on the topic of consent. However, culture change takes time.
In the absence of healthy rites of initiation, fumbling your way through early sexual encounters has almost become a rite of passage in our culture.
A few years ago, Rugby League player Sam Thiaday was interviewed after his team’s win in a State of Origin match. When asked about the match, he said, “It was a bit like losing your virginity, it wasn't very nice, but we got the job done." This is the kind of role model our young men are looking up to. We must continue to unwind the cultural portrayal of sex and the pernicious masculine mindset that exists around casual sex, sexual initiation and entitlement.
In addition to this, we need to acknowledge that young people are sexually curious and deep down, they just want to belong. They want to do what they think their peers are doing, and todays social media is peer pressure on steroids. Throw in porn, hormones, alcohol and drugs, and the waters of consent have been totally muddied.
When issues like consent become hot topics of discussion, it can be easy to forget about the individuals whose lives have been profoundly impacted by consent issues and sexual abuse. When confronting this topic, we need to always remain people-focused and be empathetic listeners.
The positive side of the last couple of years (including Grace Tame being the 2021 Australian of the year) is that people’s stories are finally getting heard. We need to listen. In our work, members of the Real Talk team have heard many of these stories. We know firsthand how it changes you to hear a person tell their story and to see the impact it has had on their lives. Being heard is just the beginning of a person’s healing journey. Listening provides a baseline for future education.
Right now, as a society, we stand at a crossroads. Each of us has a part to play in changing our culture around consent for the better. Compulsory consent education will be a big part of the solution. When you’re educating your young people about consent, be sure to keep these five things in mind.
Want more consent videos and resources. Click HERE!
Consent has been a hot topic in the media in recent weeks. This attention has largely come about because of a petition launched by Former Sydney school student, Chanel Contos, which advocates for improved education around consent. Already, the petition has collected over 36,000 signatures.
Here at Real Talk, we have welcomed this increased attention on the important topics of consent and respect. Sadly, many commentators are missing some crucial elements of this topic.
Every year we speak to tens of thousands of students about sex and relationships. In our experience, there are 5 crucial (but often overlooked) points about consent that every educator should know:
Ask young people what they understand “consent” to mean? Many young people really don’t understand the basics, so it’s important to start here. In short, consent is an agreement. It’s a “YES,” freely given.
Education on consent should start early, ideally in primary school or earlier, long before a discussion of sexual consent begins. It starts with teaching protective behaviours and body awareness. In simple terms, “It’s MY body, I can say NO.” It involves teaching children that they should speak up when they feel uncomfortable and that it’s okay to say “no.”
Even with teenagers, keep it simple: An absence of a yes means that someone has not consented. Sexual activity without consent, or if someone is unable to consent, is harmful and against the law.
There are some popular videos that make consent simple by comparing it to the drinking tea or riding a bike. These videos simplify the idea of consent, which is good, but we need to be careful not to inadvertently give young people the wrong message.
Consent is super important, but it’s not the only consideration for healthy relationships. To teach it as a stand-alone principle or to suggest that it is “everything”, as the very popular Tea and Consent video does, is dangerous and can lead to unhealthy outcomes.
Put simply, if John wants to perform a sexual act on Sally, and Sally consents, this doesn’t necessarily mean this is a good idea for John or Sally. If John is in a relationship with Jenny, then getting together with Sally is probably going to cause a lot of hurt. If John is just using Sally, but he doesn’t really care about him, then that isn’t healthy either. Even when consent is present, an act can still be harmful and lacking in the dignity that both the sexual act and the people deserve.
Christians and many other traditions believe people have an extreme dignity. Because human beings have dignity, we deserve love. Because people deserve love, we should show them respect. Because we need to show people respect, consent is super important. We show respect by prioritising consent.
When consent is taught it needs to be taught as a way to show respect – for self and for others. When consent is not understood in light of the principles of love, respect and dignity, something important is missing.
If we want to teach about sexual consent, it’s essential that we are also educating young people about the dangers of pornography. Almost every young person is exposed to pornography and usually long before they become sexually active.
Pornographic material almost always misrepresents the concept of consent or lacks it entirely. In porn, sex is separated from intimacy, people are treated like objects, and unhealthy gender imbalances are reinforced. It is by far the most corrosive curriculum for sexual relationships, but the research tells us that it has become the dominant educator on sexual matters. Pornography is being consumed daily or weekly by most Australian young men.
As a country, we have recognised recently that we need to start the conversation and improve education on the topic of consent. However, culture change takes time.
In the absence of healthy rites of initiation, fumbling your way through early sexual encounters has almost become a rite of passage in our culture.
A few years ago, Rugby League player Sam Thiaday was interviewed after his team’s win in a State of Origin match. When asked about the match, he said, “It was a bit like losing your virginity, it wasn't very nice, but we got the job done." This is the kind of role model our young men are looking up to. We will not unwind the cultural portrayal of sex or current masculine mindset quickly.
In addition to this, young people are sexually curious and deep down, they just want to belong. They want to do what they think their peers are doing, and todays social media is peer pressure on steroids. Throw in porn, hormones, alcohol and drugs, and the waters of consent have been totally muddied.
When issues like consent become hot topics of discussion, it can be easy to forget about the individuals whose lives have been profoundly impacted by consent issues and sexual abuse. When confronting this topic, we need to always remain people-focused and be empathetic listeners.
The positive effect of this renewed focus on consent over the past few weeks is that people’s stories are finally getting heard. We need to listen. In our work, members of the Real Talk team have heard many of these stories. We know firsthand how it changes you to hear a person tell their story and to see the impact it has had on their lives. Being heard is just the beginning of a person’s healing journey. Listening provides a baseline for future education.
Right now, as a society, we stand at a crossroads. Each of us has a part to play in changing our culture around consent for the better. Education will be a big part of the solution. When you’re educating your young people about consent, be sure to keep these 5 things in mind.
Want more consent videos and resources. Click HERE!
Ever wondered what a typical day looks like for our presenters? Sam, Amber & Ged filmed a recent trip to South Australia, check it out!
Click the video below to watch our presenting day at St Ignatius College.
Due to the COVID-19 pandemic and the restrictions that have been put in place, Real Talk has been unable to present in schools over the past two months. This has been a challenging time for our organisation, but it has also given us an exciting opportunity to develop new resources.
Today, we’re excited to announce the launch of realtalkeducation.org! Real Talk Education is our answer to the hundreds of requests we have received from schools over the last 10 years to provide in-depth resources on the topics of personal wellbeing, relationships and sexuality.
On this new online education platform, educators can access lesson plans and resources to help them educate on these challenging topics. We are proud to present our first release, “Flourish,” for Yr 5-7 students. For a limited time, educators can access 2 of the 25 lessons that make up this program absolutely free by clicking HERE.
COVID-19 has changed our schools, our supermarkets, and our day-to-day lives. It’s also changed our relationships.
Chances are, there are friends and family members that you’re really missing right now, because you no longer get to see them as often and you normally would. There might also be family members that you feel like you’ve seen too much of, because you’re now stuck in a house with them all day!
But even though our relationships have changed, they aren’t any less important. Here are 6 things you do to strengthen relationships during COVID-19.
Especially the extroverts – we’re not ok! But seriously, I’ve made and received more social phone calls the last week than I did all of last year, and it has been awesome.
You’ve probably heard that proverb “a problem shared is a problem halved,” and it’s true! Psychological research has found that sharing your feelings with someone can minimise the levels of stress that you feel.
While sharing what’s going on with someone else might not change the situation, it’s crazy how much it can improve our perspective. So, if you haven’t already, pick up your phone and check in on a family member or friend. We all need each other right now.
Even though we’re social distancing, there are still plenty of ways to connect with each other. During the past couple of weeks, the Real Talk team have been keeping a lively group chat going, along with plenty of video calls.
It’s not quite the same as being together in person, but it’s still an opportunity to share how we’re going, tell funny stories about life at home, and encourage each other.
What are some ways you can connect with friends and family right now? Maybe it’s as simple as a phone call, but it could something more creative – you could have a virtual dinner date, drop a walkie-talkie to your neighbours, or even play games together online.
It feels like every time we turn on the TV or log into social media, all we’re getting is bad news. In the midst of these dark clouds, it can make a big difference in someone’s life if you find a way to brighten their day.
One idea would be to share funny videos or memes in a group chat. A few days ago, one of the Real Talk team shared a great example in the group chat of her baby laughing hysterically every time she made a funny noise. It was a great moment that we never would have experienced if we hadn’t all been working from home.
Another idea would be writing a letter or putting together a care package to send in the mail. It doesn’t matter how old you are, getting something fun in the mail is always a good time. Some rest homes have even launched a “Connecting Generations” program recently, inviting kids to send letters to their elderly residents.
Be on the lookout for little ways to brighten up someone’s day. You might be surprised as just how much it improves your mood as well.
If you’re self-isolating in a house with 3 or more people, you’re one of the lucky ones. As a Real Talk presenter who usually has to travel a lot, I’m thrilled to be getting some quality time at home with my wife. But it’s just the two of us, and two people does not a great boardgame night make!
So, if you’ve got the numbers for some solid boardgame action right now, make the most of it. Or, if Monopoly isn’t your cup of tea, find other games that you can play.
One game that’s keeping a lot of families entertained at the moment is by going on a bear hunt. People all over the country are placing teddy bears in their front windows for people to find. Assemble your “hunting party” and see how many bears you can locate around your neighbourhood.
Check out daysoftheyear.com to find out what to celebrate today. I can promise you that it will be something that is equal parts fun and ridiculous.
World Baking Day? Pull out your baking trays and make some cupcakes. Hug Your Cat Day? Reasonably straightforward. Indoor picnic day? Put some blankets down in the living room, eat some strawberries, and enjoy the air-conditioning. Outdoor picnics are so 2019 anyway.
One consequence of COVID-19 is that some of the people in our lives need a bit of extra help right now. So, what can you do to lend a hand?
One of our Real Talk team spent three hours on the phone to his mum the other night, helping her set up video chat so that she can still see her friends and family while she’s in isolation.
Maybe you can provide similar tech assistance, or you could run to the store for an elderly neighbour who can’t go him/herself right now, or even donate food to your local foodbank. Even though this time is challenging for a lot of people, it’s also a great opportunity to come together.
With all the social distancing measures in place, it’s easy to feel isolated. But if we’re willing to put in a bit of extra effort, there’s a lot we can do to strength our relationships. We might have to stand at least two metres apart, but that doesn’t mean we can’t reach out to each other with love.
In the back of my mind, I’ve got a to-do list. On it, are written things like “learn a language”, “take an astronomy class” and “figure out how to code.” If I had to give this list a name, it would be “Things I Want to Do To Improve Myself, But Never Have Time For.”
But all of a sudden, I’m stuck at home with plenty of time on my hands to start working through my list. Hopefully, you’ve got a similar list already. But if not, here are 6 ways you can improve yourself during COVID-19.
If you love to draw, or write, or interpretive ribbon dance, but you always feel like you’ve never got time, now you do. Make the most of it!
There are going to be two types of people during this pandemic. There are going to be those who sit on their couches, watch Netflix, and consume, consume, consume all day. And there are going to be people who pull out their pens, dust off their paintbrushes, and create something. Be a creator, not a consumer.
The Real Talk team are going to be taking our own advice and we’ll be writing a few more posts on the Real Talk blog over the coming weeks, but we want to see all the weird and wonderful things you create as well!
Now that we’re spending lots of time at home in front of our screens, exercise is more important than ever. In addition to keeping fit and healthy, regular physical activity has a lot of other benefits as well. It can improve our mood, help us sleep better, and make us feel like we’ve accomplished something.
You might be missing being out on the sports field with your team-mates, but that doesn’t mean you can’t stay active! Grab your running shoes and go for a walk or run around the neighbourhood. Otherwise, jump online and check out all of the free exercise videos and classes you can find on websites like YouTube.
One of the fantastic things about our digital world is that there are some many great resources online for learning. Maybe you’ve always wanted to learn how to code, or speak a different language, or play every Disney movie song on the recorder.
Even if you’ve got no previous experience, here are countless guides, videos and podcasts that can teach you how to get started.
In addition to learning the new skill itself, you’ll probably learn some important lessons about perseverance, honing your craft, and your own potential.
One of the best ways to improve ourselves is to improve our relationships with other people.
Right now might be the perfect opportunity to spend some time with a family member that you don’t normally see as often, because they’re at school or work. You could even invite them to join in your online ribbon-dancing class!
We can’t see most of our friends and family members in person, but there are plenty of other ways to keep in touch.
Remember that social distancing is purely physical. I’s still really important that we are connecting with each other, spending time together, and finding little ways to brighten each other’s day.
With all the information about COVID-19 on the news and on social media, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. It’s totally normal to being feeling stressed, anxious or upset right now, but one way to mitigate these feelings is by taking a break from the news and social media.
It’s understandable to want to keep informed, but constantly reading or watching staff about COVID can intensify our negative emotions. If we want to improve ourselves, it’s important that we set good boundaries around news and social media consumption.
This could take the form of limiting the amount of time you spend checking the news, committing to only checking social media once each day, or even having days that are completely news and social media free.
COVID-19 has given us the first pause in our busy lives that we’ve had for a long, long time. Chances are, you’re not going to have this much uninterrupted time at home again until you retire! So, what are you going to do with it?
Take the time over the next day or two to set some goals. What new skill do you want to pursue? What are you going to create? How are you going to spend this quality time with love ones?
Don’t waste this opportunity.
The world we’re living in right now looks pretty different to the world of two months ago. But one thing that hasn’t changed is God.
God still loves us, He still has a plan for our lives, and He wants us to draw closer to Him during this crisis. Here are 5 things you can do to improve your relationship with God during COVID-19.
Think for a moment about your best friend. Now imagine that the two of you never spoke. You didn’t celebrate moments of success together or turn to each other in times of need. Chances are, your relationship would fizzle out pretty quick.
Because solid relationships need solid communication – and the same is true for our relationship with God. If we want to improve our relationship with God, we need to communicate with Him through prayer.
If you’ve never really carved out time in your day to pray before, start small. When you wake up, invite God into your day and ask him to bless it. When you go to sleep, reflect on the day and thank God for it.
Try to find at least 10 minutes sometime during the day to just talk to God. If you’re not sure how, just tell him what’s on your mind – share your worries, your uncertainties, the areas of your life where you really need his grace.
God wants to speak to us, but often, our lives are too busy and too noisy to hear His voice. What we need is silence.
For thousands of years, men and women called “hermits” have left their ordinary lives and journeyed into the desert to find solitude and silence. With everything shutting down because of COVID-19, suddenly we can find that same silence right in our homes (as long as we remember to put our phones on do-not-disturb!).
Try to make a few minutes for silence each day. It might feel a bit uncomfortable – we usually aren’t used to silence in our day-to-day lives! But God is waiting for us in the quiet.
While God speaks through silence, the other big way that He communicates with us is through His Word, the Bible. No matter what’s going on in your life right now, no matter how you’re feeling, God has something to say to you.
If you’re struggling with fear or anxiety, read John 14:27 “Peace I leave you, my peace I give you. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
If you’re lonely, read Hebrews 13:5 “God has said “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
If you feel like you’re not strong enough for whatever life has thrown at you, Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
If you want to improve your relationship with God, open your Bible every day. Again, start small, and just spend a few minutes each day reading a particular chapter.
For the first time in many of our lives, we can’t attend church in-person each Sunday. There’s no more crowded pews, no more worship band, and no more catching up with friends afterwards over lukewarm tea and biscuits.
But that doesn’t mean that we can’t attend church at all. Many churches have quickly made the move to online services. Even if your church hasn’t, you can definitely join with another congregation that has.
Even though watching church through a screen isn’t quite the same, try to join in as much as you can. Stand up when you normally would to sing and worship. Bow your head in prayer. Listen and take notes during the sermon. We might not be able to be together in person, but we can still worship together in spirit.
The author John Donne once wrote that “No man is an island” and that’s definitely true in the context of our faith. We aren’t meant to do faith alone. We need a place to go to share our successes, to get support when we are struggling, and to pray together. We need a community.
While we can’t gather together in person at the moment, we can still find other ways to connect with one another.
Recently, the Real Talk team gathered over a Zoom video call to pray. We read a passage from the Bible, we listened to some worship music, and we shared any prayer intentions we had. It felt pretty different to our usual in-person team prayer, but it was still are great to connect with each other and with God.
In the midst of everything changing right now, our one constant will always be God. He wants to draw close to us, through all the uncertainty, stress and even boredom. The best thing we can do right now is invest in our relationship with Him!
See the full radio interview with Paul and the original post by Vision Radio.
Paul has calculated Real Talk expects to reach around 40-thousand young people by the end of the year.
The conversation centres basically on God’s plan for love and life.
‘We don’t find it difficult’
“We talk about personal identity, how we’re made, relationships and making good decisions.”
“Also a really positive vision of what marriage and sex was created for,” was how Paul described the thrust of their work before sharing some of the feedback they receive from their target audiences.
“When people hear what we do they say that must be really difficult. And yet we don’t find it difficult because for one thing, they’re topics of great interest.”
“Secondly, you can present this message, that’s really a beautiful and awesome message, in a way that captivates people.”
We yearn for truth
“I think we all have the truth written within us,” Paul declared. “We all have the truth written in our human experience to some degree. We yearn for truth and we recognise it.”
Paul has found when you present the truth of how sex was meant to be, it resonates with them.
He said this is partly because they recognise the lack of truth in their previous experience.
Paul told the story of his wife who at the age of 14 heard a married couple explain the truth about marriage and sex. That one-hour presentation had a profound effect and transformed her life right through to her wedding day.
Real Talk presentations are now bearing fruit as they hear testimonies of those who heard this message on sex and marriage and followed through on its guidance six years ago.
The senior years for many teenagers can be daunting and stressful as heck! After helping three of my own children and counselling countless teenagers and parents through these years, here are my quick 16 tips for parents for the year/s ahead!
Let them know you are here for them. Say something like you know they are incredibly independent and competent, but that you are here if they need you. And just keep saying it, even if you think they’ve heard it a million times.
Verbal affirmation. If this is not your strong point (particularly dads) try to push past it. Tell your son/daughter that you love them and think they are amazing, they are doing a good job, tell them you are proud of them regularly.
Leave random notes for them around the place – on their bed, in their school bag, wherever; affirming them and letting them know you have their back
Master the art of lingering. When going in to say goodnight, don’t rush out. Kiss/hug them goodnight, ask ‘how’s everything going’? or ‘everything going ok’? and then even when they say ‘yup’… just linger around the room for a bit, looking like you might be just straightening books, or tidying up or something to see if they might talk to you or add anything. Just 30 seconds….you’ll be surprised at what they end up randomly sharing every so often.
Second check. Make the effort to go in and check on them again before you head to bed. Sometimes it’s after ‘official lights out’ that teenagers often secretly get onto technology and may stay on it for hours!
Create ‘spontaneous’ catch-ups. If you think they are not being themselves and might need to talk, create an excuse to take them out just you and them. For girls, invite her to join you for a coffee or milkshake after shopping. For boys, a long drive in the car (over 45 min) sitting in the front with no phone or technology does the trick… but give it half an hour, without pressured questions. Even if they don’t talk, the point is they have to sit there face to face, or side by side, and they can’t just get up and walk away. If they don’t talk, you talk. Tell them about your life; times when you are stressed, how you handled school or year 12, what’s happening in your life etc.
Physical health. Make sure they are looking after their body. They are growing at a rapid rate! Also, perfectionist teenagers tend to push themselves in mind, body, and spirit! Check if they are sleeping properly, eating well, not skipping breakfast/lunch etc. They secretly want you to care about them, even if they say the opposite.
Create permission for imperfection. Create moments where they can see you make mistakes and be OK. Sometimes I would deliberately leave the dishes or something out of place and make a comment out loud like, ‘oh well, its OK not to be perfect’, or ‘to cut ourselves slack sometimes’ etc. Kids are pushed so much these days by school and social pressure, they need to know its OK not to be perfect ALL the time. Home needs to be a place of ‘wind down’, not ‘wind up’ – a safe harbour, a refuge.
Set a calming atmosphere. If you are into oils, diffusing lavender or frankincense or calming blends can create an amazing atmosphere of calmness. I’ve seen some parents use this and it works wonders in the living room or bedroom. When my teenagers can’t get to sleep they still come in and ask me for lavender and/or frankincense, which I dab on their temples and back of the neck. Works like magic.
Move from telling to asking. If your emerging adult seems stressed with homework or life, instead of preaching, ‘well that’s because x & y and you need to do z’, try moving to asking a question: ‘is there anything I can do?’When my teenagers were stressed about exams or assignments in year 11 or 12, I would offer a cup of tea, or a chocolate, offer to wash up when it’s their night, or offer to put on some music while doing their work ,or did they want me to sit with them and do work on my computer beside them, or say a prayer for them etc.
Encourage self-awareness.I’m not sure if your teenager is the type of teenager who fills up more by being by themselves or having others around… (I had one of each and a third for whom that too much of either was exhausting!). But something as simple as figuring out whether your child is introverted or extraverted is a great start for both you and them to know. It will help them in years to come to recognise when they are getting too full or too empty. I went further with mine and did a few interactive tests which they responded well to – such as the 5 Love Languages, Myers Briggs, and the Multiple Intelligence test. I found this last one particularly insightful with setting up individual homework environments that work for them and can be done with any school-aged child.
Take the pressure down. Sometimes our schools really put undue pressure on senior students, particularly around ‘what subjects they need to doin order to get into the uni course they want’. And sometimes it’s us parents who are loading on the pressure and expectations. Parents, we need to learn to back off. I’m aware this may be challenging, especially if you have desires for your child’s career, but it needs saying. I encouraged my kids that uni life and timetables were not as stressful as year 11 or 12 – and they will always be able to change their career direction if they feel that a certain path is not right for them. Even though their teachers may be telling them otherwise.
Trust your gut. If you think they are not themselves and you are concerned, take action. Tell them you want to talk (and if they resist, take them out for that coffee/water/milkshake/drive and tell them they might not want to talk, but you do!) Say that you are concerned and that what you are specifically noticing is not normally them, and see if they respond. Sometimes just sitting and letting them slowly respond is OK. Be comfortable with the silence, but also say everything you need to say, even if they say nothing. They will definitely think about it and may say something about it at a later time.
Stay in the ring with technology. By now you may be tired and ready to give up this perennial struggle. Let me encourage you – don’t tap out! Wouldn’t that be easier though? Aren’t they now becoming young adults who we should give more freedom to? Of course –but they are still growing young people who are developing under your roof. Your job is not over, so don’t check out early! You still need to keep an eye on who they are talking to, what sites they follow, what movies or TV shows they are watching etc. At the very least it is a big insight into the things that are influencing them. Intense or sad or emotional TV shows and movies can drain serotonin(our ‘happy hormone’) so keep an eye on that. They need to have downtime and recreation that increases serotonin, things that they enjoy. One thing I used to say to my kids is ‘who’s in your room right now?’ meaning whoever they are talking to, texting, snap-chatting etc, they are basically hanging out with in their room.
A word on porn. This is a particularly big issue for teenage boys, but is affecting more and more teenage girls as well, so don’t be naïve. Porn consumption is proven to have huge effects on teenagers mood and behaviour, let alone warping their view of healthy sexuality. Be on the lookout for behaviour like becoming quiet or withdrawn, being left at home alone for long periods, or developing social anxiety. Don’t let your teenage boy be alone in the house for days on end! Even one whole day alone is too long. Make sure you have filters on your modems and insist their phones or devices not be left in their room at night time. Have a docking station where they put it to charge each night in a public place or in parent’s room. This will save countless issues and takes the temptation (literally) away from reach, helping them and you to sleep better at night. At the end of the day however, nothing replaces parental engagement. My husband initiated conversations with our son about this area from the time he started high school. I encourage all dads to talk to your sons about pornography with your sons, and mums with your daughters, but get educated about it yourself first. It ‘aint what it used to be!
Get on the phone. If you are concerned about your child and their behaviour, don’t hesitate to seek help! There are countless counsellors and people who work with teenagers out there who can help and advise you on what the best action to take is. That being said, sift through what you hear and do your own research. I shake my head at some of the advice I have heard teenagers and parents receive, so use your internal antennae and talk to a counsellor you trust, one who has experience and bears good fruit with other teenagers.
You may do all these already! But my main encouragement is to stay engaged. They will thank you one day, but these years may not be that day! There were many times we were able to intercept as a parent just because we stayed alert and aware of what our teenagers were doing or feeling. Our kids absolutely do need us in these years, whether they show us or not. It’s our turn to be the adult, know they may not reciprocate right now, but they will later.
Good luck – I’ll be praying for you!
The Porn Myth: Exposing the Reality Behind the Fantasy of Pornography
Matt Fradd (Ignatius Press, San Francisco, 2017.)
The Porn Myth: Exposing the Reality Behind the Fantasy of Pornography, is Matt Fradd’s latest book. It is a well argued, well structured discussion of the porn phenomenon and its effects on people. Matt is an Australian, now based in the United States of America, and is the founder of theporneffect.com. He is currently the Director of Content Development for Integrity Restored and is a best-selling author and speaker.
In this book, Matt goes about debunking many commonly held beliefs about pornography. The book is definitely not a religious treatise. He attempts to avoid religious jargon, and uses rational, fact based arguments to debunk many myths and misconceptions.
As the author states, “the goal of this book is to expose the myth that pornography is good or at least not that bad”. It could be said that Fradd is very Aquinas like in his method as he works towards achieving the book’s goal. (The author obviously looks up to Thomas Aquinas, judging by the name of his podcast, “Pints with Aquinas”). He does this by methodically stepping the reader through the many arguments or beliefs around pornography that are widely accepted in society. Chapter headings include: “Porn empowers women”, “only religious people oppose porn”, “I don’t pay for porn, so I’m not contributing to the industry”, “Porn isn’t addictive” and the classic claim “porn is only fantasy: it doesn’t affect our real lives”.
The book is an intelligent and compelling read and creates solid arguments on what is a major issue in society. When it comes to human sexuality some would say it is THE issue of our time. As Fradd cites:
“among millennials (18-30 year olds), 63 percent of men and 21 percent of women say they view pornography at least several times a week – and that says nothing of those who view pornography somewhat less frequently”
The author rigorously argues that sexuality is better and more fulfilling when one is not exposed to a cornucopia of sexual imagery on the internet.
“by placing sex, any kind of sex, into the medium of pornography, we gorge the masses on industrialised, commodified sexuality. This does not celebrate sex at all. It cheapens it.”
Whilst much of the book is built on the above proposition, it is great that Fradd positions sex clearly as something pleasurable and good. In fact, the reader no doubt will benefit from a deeper and richer appreciation of the gift of sex.
Whilst non-religious in tone, the book has a clear moral and theological underpinning. For the amoral, it may not be digestible content, but for someone striving “to be a good person” it certainly will make them think twice before using pornography again. Further than this, the book is so thorough it forms a great reference point for someone working in the growing number of areas affected by this topic. Be it education, counselling, psychology, pastoral or church ministry the book provides both a good reference point, for most common arguments, and also an in depth analysis of each topic.
The topics covered are: porn culture, the porn industry, porn and our sexuality, porn and our relationships and the struggle with porn. The book is heavily referenced, which will appeal to those seeking academic justification for the arguments, and the book includes a significant appendix which further digs down into the science and the plethora of brain studies that backs up the book’s premise.
With the viewing age of pornography getting younger and younger, and the rates of exposure before adulthood nearing 100%, all caring parents should have good knowledge on this topic. Children should be prepared from a young age to deal with porn exposure. In speaking of sex education Fradd says,
“Children and teens need to see that their parents are reliable sources of knowledge about sex, which means that conversations about these matters should be considered normal in the home”.
The author’s experience in working with people (and their spouses) impacted by pornography is obvious. The book also also attempts to help those affected, with helpful advice and encouragement. The reader is reminded that our desire for sexual fulfilment is rooted in something very good and that there is a way out of pornography’s sticky web. Fradd seeks to inspire people to pursue the real love on offer in authentic sexual relationships, rather than the cheap counterfeit that pornography offers.
Fradd’s arguments are insightful, accurate and supported by experts in the fields of neurology, psychology and sociology. Discussions pull back the curtain on an often hidden problem that has even more hidden effects. Drawing from insiders in the sex trade, the realities of the industry and pornography’s sordid history is exposed. Reaching into the personal lives of actors and actresses the fantasies of porn production are exposed; so too is the trail of broken lives that have been left behind. Matt Fradd definitely attempts to leave the reader motivated to fight the pro-porn cultural norm that is widespread in society.
This is definitely a book for the bookshelf if you are someone who seeks to challenge the wave of destruction that pornography is bringing to children, relationships and society. The book however, is probably best in the hands of someone asking the question, “Does porn really hurt anyone”?
The book absolutely does what the title suggests and exposes not just the “porn myth”, but it systematically removes the scaffolding that pro-porn arguments are built on. This book clearly contributes to the conversation on the harmful effects of pornography and I would suggest it is the most comprehensive discussion I have seen. If you are looking for a book that thoroughly scrutinizes the pro-porn arguments and encourages individuals, parents and communities to work to reject the influence of porn, then look no further.
Starting high school is exciting and scary! Even more so this year in QLD, where many 11-turning-12 year olds entered the high school yard for the first time. As pictures of all the kids heading off to school filled facebook and instagram last term, I thought about how exciting a new year of school can be. And, as I sent my son off to first year of high school this year, I was reminded of my eldest girls first semester of high school and the transitioning that happens.
Here are 5 tips for you as parents and carers to set your new high schooler off to a good start:
1. Be available to talk and debrief
Even though they have probably been waiting for this moment for a long time, starting high school can be scary! Going from being ‘the oldest’ to suddenly ‘the youngest’ can be a challenge. Adjusting to high school teachers when you are used to being cared for by one teacher can be difficult too. Try to set time in your own schedule to ask how its going. Some kids like to talk straight after school, some at dinner, and some just before bed. Being available as a parent to talk or debrief or just showing you are there for them can be a huge support for them. This is the year you don’t want to lose communication! With so much going on internally growing up in their body and brain, there is a lot going on externally too, and this is the time to learn creative ways as a parent to engage with them. Sometime cooking a yummy afternoon or dinner is enough to entice any teenager to hang around a little longer to chat. ☺
2. Encouragement
These guys and girls need encouragement. Writing a little note in their lunch box, tidying their room with a note on their pillow or other small gestures can show them you are there for them. Saying to them ‘I’m so proud of you!’ and ‘This is a big time of so many changes, which are both exciting and scary all at the same time, and you are doing so well in adapting to them all’ can go along way. One time in the first semester, my first-year-of-high-school daughter was feeling so overwhelmed, I cleaned her room for her and put a note of encouragement on her bed. It spoke volumes for her, and encouraged her in this time of adjustment.
3. Empowerment
One of the biggest changes from primary to high school is independence. You are expected at high school to know where to go, what books you need, what uniform you need to wear, how to catch public transport etc etc. Its hard to go from a primary school where the teacher takes responsibility for you, to a high school where YOU take responsibility for you! It can feel scary and lonely. BUT… this is a great time of empowerment! Resist the urge to do everything for them.
Help them to remember, NOT take over
Its ok in the first few weeks to remind them or help them out, but you really need to empower them to start thinking for themselves. If they are forgetting things, encourage them to do up their own personal checklist the night before. Things like ‘have I put my laptop and phone on charge?’ or ‘have I got my uniforms ready?’ ‘do I need to be at school early for anything tomorrow?’ There’s lots to remember and its important at this time to help them remember, NOT take over. On the other hand, it’s also important to let them know, as they learn independence, that they are not alone and you have their back.
4. Friendships
Some kids look around at school and expect to be ‘best friends’ by the end of the first week! Whilst some people click instantly, some kids know its takes time to develop lasting friendships. Just because people ‘act like BFFs’ after meeting a week ago, doesn’t mean it will last. It’s hard to explain this to your young teenager, as they look around and think ‘Am I the only one who doesn’t have a new best friend?”. If your teenager is feeling alone or wondering these things, reassure them. One of the things I’ve always said to my kids is, ’If you wanna make a friend, be a friend.’ It’s one of the sure ways of making friends.
‘If you wanna make a friend, be a friend.’
5. Don’t take it out on them!
The change is not only big for them, its big for you too! Your new highschooler can go from being that fun, over-communicative pre-teen to a moody, hard to love teenager. Remember, just because they don’t act like they need you, doesn’t mean they don’t! They need you more than EVER. Communication between you and them is even more key to a successful high school transition. Research shows that teenagers around 14 and up express parent-child conflict as one of their greatest concerns, so now is the time to invest in this relationship – moody or not – to keep communication channels open. Having a once a week coffee/catch up is just the ingredient for this. Even if not much is said during this time, creating a culture of ‘opportunity to share’ will be worth it in the coming years.
Research shows that teenagers around 14 and up express parent-child conflict as one of their greatest concerns
I remember that first shock as a parent of a high school kid. I remember looking back, just 12 months later and thinking ‘wow! So much has changed between the end of primary school and the first year of high school.’ It was like I was holding on to my hat and going on for the ride. Being an engaged, attentive parent will help your child know he/she is not alone and has the back up they need. Empowerment, not taking over. Encouragement, not criticism.
Keep going parents, you can DO this! And the good news is that YOU are not alone in this journey either. We are all in it together.
So, I’m doing the school run this morning when my 16 year old turns to me, “Mum, have you read 50 Shades of Grey?”
“Um, no… and I don’t want you to either.”
My 16 year old continues: “Well everyone is talking about it, and the trailor came out yesterday… What’s it about anyway?” My 15 year old leans in to join the conversation.
I take a breath in, then decide to be honest and just put it out there.
“Well, it’s… well… its basically porn for women.”
Silence.
‘Ok, I’ll tell you the story… it’s about this girl, and she meets this guy, and he gets her to sign this contract that he can pretty much do whatever he wants with her sexually, including chains, blindfolds and whips etc, then he pretty much seduces her and uses her for his own gratification’.
It was this conversation then watching the trailer myself that sparked me to write this blog. As a parent, I do not want my teenage daughters to watch this movie, to feel pressure from their friends to watch this movie, or to believe that this 50 Shades of Grey is now the expected norm in love, sex and relationships.
If you want, you can check out the trailer for yourself here
Now some of you may be thinking, “Come on Kym, you’re not the moral police; Fifty Shades is not that bad, we read it ourselves and we love it!” Ok, so, I’d like to debunk 3 of the most common excuses supporting FSOG that I’ve heard so far:
One: It’s not porn, it’s just a bit of fun.
The reason I am calling Fifty Shades ‘pornography for women’ is because it really is just that. The definition of pornography is ‘Printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate sexual excitement. ‘ (Oxford Dictionary) 50 Shades definitely does that, but goes further by romanticising sadistic and masochistic sex as ‘enlightenment’ – which it definitely isn’t.
Bearing this definition in mind, 50 Shades author, ‘E.L. James’ told the Huffington Post; “Well to be honest, it was mostly curiosity. I had just read some stuff about BDSM [bondage-domination-sadism-masochism] and found it really, really hot — an arousing kind of hot. And I got to thinking, ‘What if you met somebody who was in this kind of relationship, in this lifestyle, and who knew nothing about it and probably didn’t want to do it? What would happen next?’ And I just took it from there, really.” (1)
Hmmm. Interesting.
It’s also interesting that the genre of these books is called ‘erotica’ so it’s clearly not light reading for general consumption.
Two: It’s not harmful, it’s female sexual liberation
Australian research shows that by 16 years of age, 100% of boys have been exposed to pornography, with the current average age of exposure to boys being around 11-12 years of age. There are varying studies and statistics regarding female exposure, with some research showing girls reporting a 97% exposure of porn by the age of 16. (2)
In a recent study by the Australian Institute, it reveals the findings of how exposure occurs:
“Boys and girls follow different paths to exposure to pornography. Typically, girls watched pornography only once, because a boyfriend or somebody wanted them to or because they were curious, and then did not watch again. The majority of boys are also exposed to pornography for the first time through the encouragement of others, but it is more likely to be by male friends.” (3)
Now while these stats may be surprising to some, they cannot and must not be palmed off as “Well that’s just the world we live in now.” The unfortunate reality is that because porn has become so common and viewed as ‘normal’, and we are saturated by the media with women’s bodies and the increase of sexualisation of women in the media, some of us are now thinking that BDSM is now part of a normal sex life. I can assure you, it isn’t.
I can’t tell you the number of teenage girls who come to me and say; “My boyfriend wants me to do this (insert weird, kinky and potential harmful sexual act) but I don’t feel comfortable with it…” Then they lean in, full of self-doubt and anxiety and ask, “Is there something wrong with me?” How tragic. What type of world do we live in when a young woman questions her own gut instincts? Why isn’t she instead questioning the sexual act being forced upon her, or the guy asking her to perform these acts? This is not women’s liberation, but actually the opposite.
It makes me so angry and sad that teenage girls are questioning themselves and thinking something is wrong with them for not wanting to do those things. This book romanticises these acts, and that is not real life.
Three: If she consented, it’s fine. It’s none of your business!
Ok then. Let me apply this same logic to domestic violence. As a counselor, many DV clients often say; “Its fine, its my fault, I deserved it. I forgive him.” The emotional manipulation women are susceptible to, especially by men, cannot be comprehended or underestimated. The female heart desires to love and give ALL, to lay her life down and sacrifice everything for the man she loves. Many words of manipulation have caused women to go far beyond this natural desire, into accepting sexual violence in the bedroom, all because he says ‘he wants it.’ This is not OK! Just because someone consents, doesn’t make it right. No one has the right to harm anyone, even if they supposedly ‘ask for it’.
Let me share an interesting story a friend told me recently. He has a friend who catches the train every day to work. On this particular week, his friend noticed a woman reading Fifty Shades of Grey sitting in the same seat near him for 3 days in a row. On the fourth day he bought a Penthouse magazine, sat close by the woman as usual, and began to read the magazine. The woman looked up and said, “Excuse me; that’s offensive”. The guy nodded towards Fifty Shades of Grey and responded “So’s that.”
Parents Speak Up
I encourage all parents to join me and take a stand with their teenage daughters (and sons) to avoid 50 Shades of Grey when it comes out. You could use the opportunity instead as an opportunity to talk about the subtle influence of pornography in twisting a healthy respect for the opposite sex. Parents, we need to share with our teenagers that sex is about giving and not taking. That sex is an act of love and selflessness, an expression of total love and faithfulness. That sex is not a sadistic sport or activity entered in to for selfish pleasure. As I said to my daughters in the car; “You don’t ask people you love if you can hurt them for your own pleasure and gain.”
Let me encourage parents out there to speak to your teenage children about this movie and why they won’t be going with their friends to watch it. It is time for us to stand up to this porn saturated society that is objectifying women and telling our daughters that it is ok to accept this type of treatment from a man.
I will certainly be fighting for my children’s dignity. Will you?
Sources:
(1) Interview with E.L. James, author of FSOG.
(2) A snapshot of the book “Sex Lives of Teenagers’ by Joan Sauer.
(3) Youth and Pornography in Australia: Evidence on the extent of exposure and likely effects. The Australian Institute.
There is a pandemic that is decimating communities the world over. Nobody is immune and more and more people are becoming exposed daily. Once it gets hold it often leads to death and destruction.
Christians are not immune. In fact, I’d suggest that this disease is almost as prevalent in our communities, despite the fact that we have the antidote.
I’m talking of pornography. Pornography damages lives, relationships and society. The same can be said of a casual attitude to relationships and sex in general but the game changer, in today’s technological world, is pornography.
It shocks others when I mention a few statistics that demonstrate how widespread the problem is; that there are estimated to be more porn pages based in Australia than Australian Facebook users is one such statistic.
"There are estimated to be more porn pages based in Australia than Australian Facebook users"
What is more devastating than any statistic is the real people I meet and the impact that an under-regulated, overly accessible porn industry has on their lives.
Take a 13-year-old boy I’ve worked with as an example. He looks at porn daily on his smart phone. Until his struggle was brought into the light his parents probably thought that the worst thing he got up to was “being mean to his sister”.
Another confronting example might be the 17-year-old who attends youth group each week but has had 15 sexual partners this year.
These are real people faced with a real but sometimes insidious problem. One thing I have learnt is that when one starts on a diet of pornography it is a very slippery slope from intrigue to dependency.
Musician and Grammy award winner John Mayer in a Playboy magazine interview (2010) openly connected his porn use with being unable to find a satisfying stable relationship. Mayer, who admits to regularly viewing hundreds of porn images before getting out of bed, finds porn easier than discovering someone new. “How does that (porn) not affect the psychology of having a relationship with somebody? It’s got to,” says Mayer.
In the book, Wired for Intimacy, Dr William Struthers discusses how the human person is essentially created for relationship. He argues that the neurological pathways in the brain are designed for relational intimacy, partner bonding and the desire to reproduce. These get hijacked in porn use by an overload of unrealistic images and experiences.
Many that ponder the anthropology of sex and relationships might inadvertently be led in a direction towards a much-condemned, traditionally religious attitude towards sex. Namely, that it is primarily created to be unitive and procreative.
Males who watch porn are less likely to form successful relationships and are more likely to think sexual harassment is acceptable.
That humans are fundamentally created for relationship is highlighted ever so strongly by our sexuality and our deep desire for fulfilment in this area. It also is highlighted by the deep damage caused by a misuse or abuse of our sexuality.
Exposure to porn is so high that close to 100 per cent of males will encounter it before leaving school, reports Melinda Tankard Reist, researcher, author and activist against violence to women. The pedagogy of pornography is concerning. Porn reinforces that girls and women are merely pleasure centres for men.
What’s even more concerning is what pornography teaches about violence to women. A 2011 study, by the university of Nevada of five highly popular porn sites found that over 50 per cent of video pornography included acts of violence against women.
In a La Trobe University report, researcher Michael Flood found that males who watch porn are less likely to form successful relationships and are more likely to think sexual harassment is acceptable. Not surprisingly, a 2010 study by the Witherspoon Institute found that 56 per cent of divorce cases involved one or both parties having an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.
Recent research has begun to shed light on the addictive nature of pornography. Not only does porn stimulate the pleasure centres of the brain like that of narcotics but it includes a behavioural, visual experience. It is this lethal double combination of chemical highs and behavioural reinforcement that leads to powerful habits and sexual addictions.
Despite the abundance of research indicating the negative outcomes associated with porn use I’m still surprised every time a secular media outlet cottons on to this disease sweeping the advanced world. Most recently, men’s magazine GQ had the article “10 reasons why you should quit watching porn” to warn readers of the negative health effects of Internet pornography
Sexual appetite has become like the relationship between, processed foods, supersize portions, and obesity … if your appetite is stimulated and fed by poor-quality material, it takes more junk to fill you up. – Naomi Wolf
Even third-wave feminist Naomi Wolf, not exactly known for sexual conservatism, with books such as “Promiscuities” writes her concerns about the onslaught of porn. She says that, “It is responsible for deadening male libido in relation to real women, and leading men to see fewer and fewer women as ‘porn worthy’.” Further, “sexual appetite has become like the relationship between, processed foods, supersize portions, and obesity … if your appetite is stimulated and fed by poor-quality material, it takes more junk to fill you up. People are not closer because of porn but further apart; people are not more turned on but less so.” Further to this she says, “The power and charge of sex are maintained when there is some sacredness to it, when it is not on tap all the time.”
Porn is detrimental to people’s mental, physical and spiritual health. It little by little changes the users mindset. As the late Pope John Paul II is often quoted as saying, “the problem with pornography is not that it shows too much but that it shows too little”. Even when I spend just one minute analysing this statement with high school groups they begin to see that perhaps porn does in fact reduce the fullness of the human person to being merely something to use.
This taboo subject is starting to also gain more exposure in Christian communities. Brisbane based ministry, menALIVE, recently ran an event in Brisbane city on this topic. I was also pleasantly surprised to read a great pastoral letter by Bishop Gerard Holohan, Bishop of Bunbury addressing this topic not only theologically but also practically. For those interested in finding out more may I recommend you read this letter.
The good news is that there is help available and that the more we increase awareness of the problem the more we can help with both the prevention and the cure. As followers of Christ we are equipped with a power that can overcome all things including the evil of pornography.
Despite the confronting nature of this topic the truth is that Christians have really good news to bring in this area! Just this week I have had multiple young Christians who have shared with me the difference that hearing the awesomeness of God’s plan for their sexuality has made to them and their faith. When the truth and goodness of our sexuality is revealed and understood it can truly be a turning point in people’s lives.
If you would like more info or support you might like to contact paul@realtalkaustralia.comor maconfidential@menalive.org.au
The more speaking engagements I do, the more convinced I am of the important role parents play in their teenagers sexual education…in fact, every part of their lives. As a parent of teenagers myself, I feel ‘in the thick’ of it every day; the emotions of their stage of life, the joy and pain, the confusion and the hormones, the importance of friends, of belonging, of boundaries, and the influence of peer pressure. Some days my teenage kids come home with stories of friends who are involved in self-harm, disordered eating, thoughts of suicide, bullying, ‘sexting’, pornography and more. On days like these I am grateful for my training in youth ministry and experience in counselling to be able to guide my own children and provide answers in such full-on and often confusing times.
I also realise that not all parents are youth counsellors or specialists and can often feel lost with how to respond when topics like these come up. Below are two key principles that will put the power back in your court as the parent of a teenager.
1) Stay engaged!
If there is anything we can do as parents, it is to not disengage! There is often a strong temptation around the ages of 8-12 to start to disengage. This is because now that they can feed themselves, dress themselves and go to the toilet by themselves, it seems like they don’t need us as much. This couldn’t be further from the truth. They still need you! Just not in the same way as a toddler or pre-schooler. They now need you more emotionally, to help them make sense of the world, to interpret what happens to them at school, to tell them it’s going to be OK. This is a crucial time when our voices as parents are still louder than that of the media and society, so don’t lose this opportunity to speak to them about all you value and believe. When the teenage years come about, it can be a shock to the system! Suddenly, they are more emotional, more moody, more demanding of attention, and the transition into this new phase is rapid.
I remember thinking ‘I’d better hold onto my hat because this is changing fast!’ It’s at this very point
that it is tempting to disengage. We want to surrender responsibility because it’s either too hard, or we don’t know what to do and it would feel a lot easier to leave them to their own devices. Let me encourage you: don’t disengage! Stay in their space, no matter how hard or crazy it gets. No matter how easy it may seem to walk away…don’t! Keep being available, keep asking questions, be willing to listen and make some compromises, but continue to assert your authority and protection over your teenagers. They need you! They may not act like it or even want it, but they do.
2) Be the adult
One of the big temptations for parents is to let go of emotional control. Whilst helping teach your teenagers to make good choices, it is still important to maintain your right to say ‘no’. Sometimes the intensity of their emotions can feel too much and we end up saying ‘yes’ to something we wouldn’t normally agree to just to keep the peace. Let me encourage you to resist this temptation and stick to your values. They won’t die if they don’t go to ‘that party’ this time!
It is difficult to be ‘the adult’ in the middle of the emotions of teenage-hood. Sometimes we begin to feel ‘triggered’ and hurt ourselves when they are trying to express how they feel (usually not very well!). I have found sometimes, even though I am angry and hurt, that I have had to close my eyes and tell myself: “I am the adult here. They are relying on me to keep calm and make sense of this for them”. This can be a really hard thing to do, but I have found it to be so worth-while that my teenagers actually end up sharing more vulnerability at that moment as I become completely present to them and support them through their time of trial.
