Starting High School

Starting high school is exciting and scary! Even more so this year in QLD, where many 11-turning-12 year olds entered the high school yard for the first time. As pictures of all the kids heading off to school filled facebook and instagram last term, I thought about how exciting a new year of school can be. And, as I sent my son off to first year of high school this year, I was reminded of my eldest girls first semester of high school and the transitioning that happens. 

Here are 5 tips for you as parents and carers to set your new high schooler off to a good start:

1. Be available to talk and debrief
Even though they have probably been waiting for this moment for a long time, starting high school can be scary! Going from being ‘the oldest’ to suddenly ‘the youngest’ can be a challenge. Adjusting to high school teachers when you are used to being cared for by one teacher can be difficult too. Try to set time in your own schedule to ask how its going. Some kids like to talk straight after school, some at dinner, and some just before bed. Being available as a parent to talk or debrief or just showing you are there for them can be a huge support for them. This is the year you don’t want to lose communication! With so much going on internally growing up in their body and brain, there is a lot going on externally too, and this is the time to learn creative ways as a parent to engage with them. Sometime cooking a yummy afternoon or dinner is enough to entice any teenager to hang around a little longer to chat. ☺

2. Encouragement
These guys and girls need encouragement. Writing a little note in their lunch box, tidying their room with a note on their pillow or other small gestures can show them you are there for them. Saying to them ‘I’m so proud of you!’ and ‘This is a big time of so many changes, which are both exciting and scary all at the same time, and you are doing so well in adapting to them all’ can go along way. One time in the first semester, my first-year-of-high-school daughter was feeling so overwhelmed, I cleaned her room for her and put a note of encouragement on her bed. It spoke volumes for her, and encouraged her in this time of adjustment.

3. Empowerment
One of the biggest changes from primary to high school is independence. You are expected at high school to know where to go, what books you need, what uniform you need to wear, how to catch public transport etc etc. Its hard to go from a primary school where the teacher takes responsibility for you, to a high school where YOU take responsibility for you! It can feel scary and lonely. BUT… this is a great time of empowerment! Resist the urge to do everything for them.

Help them to remember, NOT take over

Its ok in the first few weeks to remind them or help them out, but you really need to empower them to start thinking for themselves. If they are forgetting things, encourage them to do up their own personal checklist the night before. Things like ‘have I put my laptop and phone on charge?’ or ‘have I got my uniforms ready?’ ‘do I need to be at school early for anything tomorrow?’ There’s lots to remember and its important at this time to help them remember, NOT take over. On the other hand, it’s also important to let them know, as they learn independence, that they are not alone and you have their back.

4. Friendships
Some kids look around at school and expect to be ‘best friends’ by the end of the first week! Whilst some people click instantly, some kids know its takes time to develop lasting friendships. Just because people ‘act like BFFs’ after meeting a week ago, doesn’t mean it will last. It’s hard to explain this to your young teenager, as they look around and think ‘Am I the only one who doesn’t have a new best friend?”. If your teenager is feeling alone or wondering these things, reassure them. One of the things I’ve always said to my kids is, ’If you wanna make a friend, be a friend.’ It’s one of the sure ways of making friends.

‘If you wanna make a friend, be a friend.’

5. Don’t take it out on them!
The change is not only big for them, its big for you too! Your new highschooler can go from being that fun, over-communicative pre-teen to a moody, hard to love teenager. Remember, just because they don’t act like they need you, doesn’t mean they don’t! They need you more than EVER. Communication between you and them is even more key to a successful high school transition. Research shows that teenagers around 14 and up express parent-child conflict as one of their greatest concerns, so now is the time to invest in this relationship – moody or not – to keep communication channels open. Having a once a week coffee/catch up is just the ingredient for this. Even if not much is said during this time, creating a culture of ‘opportunity to share’ will be worth it in the coming years.

Research shows that teenagers around 14 and up express parent-child conflict as one of their greatest concerns

I remember that first shock as a parent of a high school kid. I remember looking back, just 12 months later and thinking ‘wow! So much has changed between the end of primary school and the first year of high school.’ It was like I was holding on to my hat and going on for the ride. Being an engaged, attentive parent will help your child know he/she is not alone and has the back up they need. Empowerment, not taking over. Encouragement, not criticism.

Keep going parents, you can DO this! And the good news is that YOU are not alone in this journey either. We are all in it together.

Fighting for your Teens – Boycotting Fifty Shades of Grey

So, I’m doing the school run this morning when my 16 year old turns to me, “Mum, have you read 50 Shades of Grey?”
“Um, no… and I don’t want you to either.”
My 16 year old continues: “Well everyone is talking about it, and the trailor came out yesterday… What’s it about anyway?” My 15 year old leans in to join the conversation.
I take a breath in, then decide to be honest and just put it out there.
“Well, it’s… well… its basically porn for women.”
Silence.
‘Ok, I’ll tell you the story… it’s about this girl, and she meets this guy, and he gets her to sign this contract that he can pretty much do whatever he wants with her sexually, including chains, blindfolds and whips etc, then he pretty much seduces her and uses her for his own gratification’.

It was this conversation then watching the trailer myself that sparked me to write this blog. As a parent, I do not want my teenage daughters to watch this movie, to feel pressure from their friends to watch this movie, or to believe that this 50 Shades of Grey is now the expected norm in love, sex and relationships.

If you want, you can check out the trailer for yourself here

Now some of you may be thinking, “Come on Kym, you’re not the moral police; Fifty Shades is not that bad, we read it ourselves and we love it!” Ok, so, I’d like to debunk 3 of the most common excuses supporting FSOG that I’ve heard so far:

One: It’s not porn, it’s just a bit of fun.

The reason I am calling Fifty Shades ‘pornography for women’ is because it really is just that. The definition of pornography is ‘Printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate sexual excitement. ‘ (Oxford Dictionary) 50 Shades definitely does that, but goes further by romanticising sadistic and masochistic sex as ‘enlightenment’ – which it definitely isn’t.

Bearing this definition in mind, 50 Shades author, ‘E.L. James’ told the Huffington Post; “Well to be honest, it was mostly curiosity. I had just read some stuff about BDSM [bondage-domination-sadism-masochism] and found it really, really hot — an arousing kind of hot. And I got to thinking, ‘What if you met somebody who was in this kind of relationship, in this lifestyle, and who knew nothing about it and probably didn’t want to do it? What would happen next?’ And I just took it from there, really.” (1)

Hmmm. Interesting.

It’s also interesting that the genre of these books is called ‘erotica’ so it’s clearly not light reading for general consumption.

Two: It’s not harmful, it’s female sexual liberation

Australian research shows that by 16 years of age, 100% of boys have been exposed to pornography, with the current average age of exposure to boys being around 11-12 years of age. There are varying studies and statistics regarding female exposure, with some research showing girls reporting a 97% exposure of porn by the age of 16. (2)

In a recent study by the Australian Institute, it reveals the findings of how exposure occurs:

“Boys and girls follow different paths to exposure to pornography. Typically, girls watched pornography only once, because a boyfriend or somebody wanted them to or because they were curious, and then did not watch again. The majority of boys are also exposed to pornography for the first time through the encouragement of others, but it is more likely to be by male friends.” (3)

Now while these stats may be surprising to some, they cannot and must not be palmed off as “Well that’s just the world we live in now.” The unfortunate reality is that because porn has become so common and viewed as ‘normal’, and we are saturated by the media with women’s bodies and the increase of sexualisation of women in the media, some of us are now thinking that BDSM is now part of a normal sex life. I can assure you, it isn’t.

I can’t tell you the number of teenage girls who come to me and say; “My boyfriend wants me to do this (insert weird, kinky and potential harmful sexual act) but I don’t feel comfortable with it…” Then they lean in, full of self-doubt and anxiety and ask, “Is there something wrong with me?” How tragic. What type of world do we live in when a young woman questions her own gut instincts? Why isn’t she instead questioning the sexual act being forced upon her, or the guy asking her to perform these acts? This is not women’s liberation, but actually the opposite.

It makes me so angry and sad that teenage girls are questioning themselves and thinking something is wrong with them for not wanting to do those things. This book romanticises these acts, and that is not real life.

Three: If she consented, it’s fine. It’s none of your business!

Ok then. Let me apply this same logic to domestic violence. As a counselor, many DV clients often say; “Its fine, its my fault, I deserved it. I forgive him.” The emotional manipulation women are susceptible to, especially by men, cannot be comprehended or underestimated. The female heart desires to love and give ALL, to lay her life down and sacrifice everything for the man she loves. Many words of manipulation have caused women to go far beyond this natural desire, into accepting sexual violence in the bedroom, all because he says ‘he wants it.’ This is not OK! Just because someone consents, doesn’t make it right. No one has the right to harm anyone, even if they supposedly ‘ask for it’.

Let me share an interesting story a friend told me recently. He has a friend who catches the train every day to work. On this particular week, his friend noticed a woman reading Fifty Shades of Grey sitting in the same seat near him for 3 days in a row. On the fourth day he bought a Penthouse magazine, sat close by the woman as usual, and began to read the magazine. The woman looked up and said, “Excuse me; that’s offensive”. The guy nodded towards Fifty Shades of Grey and responded “So’s that.”

Parents Speak Up
I encourage all parents to join me and take a stand with their teenage daughters (and sons) to avoid 50 Shades of Grey when it comes out. You could use the opportunity instead as an opportunity to talk about the subtle influence of pornography in twisting a healthy respect for the opposite sex. Parents, we need to share with our teenagers that sex is about giving and not taking. That sex is an act of love and selflessness, an expression of total love and faithfulness. That sex is not a sadistic sport or activity entered in to for selfish pleasure. As I said to my daughters in the car; “You don’t ask people you love if you can hurt them for your own pleasure and gain.”
Let me encourage parents out there to speak to your teenage children about this movie and why they won’t be going with their friends to watch it. It is time for us to stand up to this porn saturated society that is objectifying women and telling our daughters that it is ok to accept this type of treatment from a man.

I will certainly be fighting for my children’s dignity. Will you?

Sources:

(1) Interview with E.L. James, author of FSOG.

(2) A snapshot of the book “Sex Lives of Teenagers’ by Joan Sauer.

(3) Youth and Pornography in Australia: Evidence on the extent of exposure and likely effects.  The Australian Institute.

Stay Engaged: Our challenge as parents

The more speaking engagements I do, the more convinced I am of the important role parents play in their teenagers sexual education…in fact, every part of their lives. As a parent of teenagers myself, I feel ‘in the thick’ of it every day; the emotions of their stage of life, the joy and pain, the confusion and the hormones, the importance of friends, of belonging, of boundaries, and the influence of peer pressure. Some days my teenage kids come home with stories of friends who are involved in self-harm, disordered eating, thoughts of suicide, bullying, ‘sexting’, pornography and more. On days like these I am grateful for my training in youth ministry and experience in counselling to be able to guide my own children and provide answers in such full-on and often confusing times.
I also realise that not all parents are youth counsellors or specialists and can often feel lost with how to respond when topics like these come up. Below are two key principles that will put the power back in your court as the parent of a teenager.

1) Stay engaged!
If there is anything we can do as parents, it is to not disengage! There is often a strong temptation around the ages of 8-12 to start to disengage. This is because now that they can feed themselves, dress themselves and go to the toilet by themselves, it seems like they don’t need us as much. This couldn’t be further from the truth. They still need you! Just not in the same way as a toddler or pre-schooler. They now need you more emotionally, to help them make sense of the world, to interpret what happens to them at school, to tell them it’s going to be OK. This is a crucial time when our voices as parents are still louder than that of the media and society, so don’t lose this opportunity to speak to them about all you value and believe. When the teenage years come about, it can be a shock to the system! Suddenly, they are more emotional, more moody, more demanding of attention, and the transition into this new phase is rapid.
I remember thinking ‘I’d better hold onto my hat because this is changing fast!’ It’s at this very point
that it is tempting to disengage. We want to surrender responsibility because it’s either too hard, or we don’t know what to do and it would feel a lot easier to leave them to their own devices. Let me encourage you: don’t disengage! Stay in their space, no matter how hard or crazy it gets. No matter how easy it may seem to walk away…don’t! Keep being available, keep asking questions, be willing to listen and make some compromises, but continue to assert your authority and protection over your teenagers. They need you! They may not act like it or even want it, but they do.

2) Be the adult
One of the big temptations for parents is to let go of emotional control. Whilst helping teach your teenagers to make good choices, it is still important to maintain your right to say ‘no’. Sometimes the intensity of their emotions can feel too much and we end up saying ‘yes’ to something we wouldn’t normally agree to just to keep the peace. Let me encourage you to resist this temptation and stick to your values. They won’t die if they don’t go to ‘that party’ this time!
It is difficult to be ‘the adult’ in the middle of the emotions of teenage-hood. Sometimes we begin to feel ‘triggered’ and hurt ourselves when they are trying to express how they feel (usually not very well!). I have found sometimes, even though I am angry and hurt, that I have had to close my eyes and tell myself: “I am the adult here. They are relying on me to keep calm and make sense of this for them”. This can be a really hard thing to do, but I have found it to be so worth-while that my teenagers actually end up sharing more vulnerability at that moment as I become completely present to them and support them through their time of trial.